The final stage of rehab is not often mentioned. Where return to play is the minimum physical and emotional readiness to handle the chaotic and physically demanding nature of sports, return to performance is about rebuilding the conditioning and explosiveness to the level of play pre-injury while navigating a changed body.
My 10 tournaments this comeback season was an ongoing fight.
I battled a stressful inner world, constantly monitoring for pain or swelling, a bubbling fear of reinjury, and (an often self-imposed) pressure of needing to prove myself.
This season was the most stressful season in my career, even more than captaining Union in the triple peak season of 2022 Club Worlds, Canadian Nationals, and USAU post season.
In early spring, I got my Team Canada alternate offer yet I felt ambivalent. I was not cleared for sport yet. Why was rehab taking excruciatingly long?
I still struggle with perfectionism-shame in sport, and even if I was invited to the roster, I was unsure it would be the best choice for me. I was unsure my body could handle a 6 day worlds competition.
Master Nationals was my first big challenge – I felt slow and rusty. My knee was swollen after 6 games, and stayed swollen and painful for 2 weeks. How could I possibly compete at a worlds level I could be proud of? Yet a part of me desperately missed sport: the highs and lows, the immersion in a co-created culture. What are we building? How are we connecting, uplifting, supporting each other? Naming these little things: presence, listening, inclusion, celebrating each other; connecting in physical, mental, and emotional ways is so powerful and not coached enough. To experience a worlds campaign, seeing how my teammates who are not only elite in Ultimate, but especially elite in the little things to be a high performance athlete and teammate are lessons of a lifetime (World Champions: Player Reflections blog coming soon).
For 8 days, 13 games, and 2 friendly scrimmages, I felt pronounced physical and emotional challenges. I felt high stress and fear, I felt insecure in my physical preparation, I felt like a fraud; I felt weak, incapable, and not enough. I had moments of emotional overwhelm, afraid of reinjury, afraid of passing my physical breaking point, afraid of again, not being able to move in the ways I desperately love.
This play was not just a throw, not just an assist, not just a win, not just a world championship. It was a reminder of what I lost and struggle to remember – that I am strong, I am capable, and no matter what happens, I am enough.
That moment was the pinnacle of two years of rehab & twelve years of dreaming to make Team Canada. It was a moment that dispelled the doubts of not feeling enough, doubts that were as fresh in my mind as just a couple hours before that final game.
We can do hard things. Keep going.
A collection of journal excerpts as I returned to performance
May 26, 2025 FIRST 2 DAY TOURNAMENT BACK
My body remembering what a 2-day tournament on turf fields feel like.
Is this really how I want to spend my time? Am I a fair weather player now? Should I retire? I feel way under prepared. My surgical side still feels weak. Is my knee swelling? Is my body going to fall apart? How hard can I push? Will I hurt myself if I push harder? I feel my hips, especially my left hip in its compensation patterns. I feel my knee in its soreness. Yet, I feel dialled into the game. I felt excited to see the team have a good time, play hard, do the things. I had fun, did what my goal was which was to build/test conditioning in a 2 day tournament before Masters Nationals and Beach Nationals. Now I keep going from here.
I love the firepit and smores with the team. I felt taken care of by my players.
I saw flashes of the player I know I am – upline to assist to Randy, posession layout, defensive switching and flashes.
In the classic perfectionist/performative environment, I had anxious intrusive thoughts: I am posing with my Team Canada gear I don’t play like a Team Canada player I make so many mistakes, why would my team respect me as their coach I will not become the player I want to be, I will not heal, I will always be in pain and my knee will always be swollen.
Reframe: I am healing. I am doing the work. I am doing my best. I will continue to evaluate my knee and doing what I need to for what I want to accomplish.
June 22, 2025 6 weeks after return to sport. From that moment of “is this really happening? Will my body hold up? Will I implode and crumble?” I survived, I felt good or maybe even great?? Then I said YES to 5 back-to-back weekends of Ultimate. Oops? Yet I loved it, loved being back on the field, with faces new and old, loved the challenge and adversity in all the ways. So many people that reached out and said congrats on getting back on the field.
I appreciate the kind words – and the work is not over.
Sept 18, 2025 RETURN TO PERFORMANCE
Rehab is never over – it’s lifelong mobility. I built up toxic narratives in my head about what level I need to be at, what my teammates thought of me, how I wasn’t doing enough training.
The perfectionist shame cycle – it was isolating and exhausting.
Over time I felt stronger and stronger, and felt less pain in my knee.
Yet, there were flare ups. My knee would swell and get irritated. It felt like a setback to where I want to be. It felt like all my training wasn’t enough.
I realized the double trauma of the injury and surgery was simply reality.
I need to manage my knee in different ways, and create space and structure for its care.
I hate this vulnerability, this limiting factor. I so wish I could move in whatever ways I want to. Yet it’s humbling, as my body ages, I’m reminded of the fragility, tenderness and real degradation of my body. Bodies simply require higher upkeep as the years go on. As I return to performance events, I scale down. I’m more selective in which tournaments I choose, when and how hard I push, and I also play less (I think?) – maybe 8 tournaments a year instead of 15? Now I’m exploring movement in playful ways.
October 13, 2025 I don’t feel like a “monster elite athlete”, yet it is the visual aspiration I chanted to drive out negative thoughts during my rehab, when I was low on hope, when I was on crutches for 3 months, when I couldn’t kneel without pain 6 months post op, when I didn’t believe I would be cleared to run, when I didn’t believe I could play sports ever again, when I didn’t believe my knee would stop aching every moment and every step…
Rebuilding to be a f*** MONSTER ELITE ATHLETE, wearing Team Canada threads again, showing off the honed skills I am incubating – what a privilege. One day, I’ll wear those threads again, caress a medal in my hands and be bursting with pride for how far I’ve come. We’ve come. Keep going.
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