A collection of journal excerpts as I returned to performance
May 26, 2025 FIRST 2-3 DAY TOURNAMENT BACK
My body remembering what a 2-day tournament on turf fields feel like.
Is this really how I want to spend my time? Am I a fair weather player now? Should I retire? I feel way under prepared. My surgical side still feels weak. Is my knee swelling? Is my body going to fall apart? How hard can I push? Will I hurt myself if I push harder? I feel my hips, especially my left hip in its compensation patterns. I feel my knee in its soreness. Yet, I feel dialled into the game. I felt excited to see the team have a good time, play hard, do the things. I had fun, did what my goal was which was to build/test conditioning in a 2 day tournament before Masters Nationals and Beach Nationals. Now I keep going from here.
I love the firepit and smores with the team. I felt taken care of by my players.
I saw flashes of the player I know I am – upline to assist to Randy, posession layout, defensive switching and flashes.
In the classic perfectionist/performative environment, I had anxious intrusive thoughts: I am posing with my Team Canada gear I don’t play like a Team Canada player I make so many mistakes, why would my team respect me as their coach I will not become the player I want to be, I will not heal, I will always be in pain and my knee will always be swollen.
Reframe: I am healing. I am doing the work. I am doing my best. I will continue to evaluate my knee and doing what I need to for what I want to accomplish.
June 22, 2025 6 weeks after return to sport. From that moment of “is this really happening? Will my body hold up? Will I implode and crumble?” I survived, I felt good or maybe even great?? Then I said YES to 5 back-to-back weekends of Ultimate. Oops? Yet I loved it, loved being back on the field, with faces new and old, loved the challenge and adversity in all the ways. So many people that reached out and said congrats on getting back on the field.
I appreciate the kind words – and the work is not over.
Sept 18, 2025 RETURN TO PERFORMANCE
Rehab is never over – it’s lifelong mobility. I built up toxic narratives in my head about what level I need to be at, what my teammates thought of me, how I wasn’t doing enough training.
The perfectionist shame cycle – it was isolating and exhausting.
Over time I felt stronger and stronger, and felt less pain in my knee.
Yet, there were flare ups. My knee would swell and get irritated. It felt like a setback to where I want to be. It felt like all my training wasn’t enough.
I realized the double trauma of the injury and surgery was simply reality.
I need to manage my knee in different ways, and create space and structure for its care.
I hate this vulnerability, this limiting factor. I so wish I could move in whatever ways I want to. Yet it’s humbling, as my body ages, I’m reminded of the fragility, tenderness and real degradation of my body. Bodies simply require higher upkeep as the years go on. As I return to performance events, I scale down. I’m more selective in which tournaments I choose, when and how hard I push, and I also play less (I think?) – maybe 8 tournaments a year instead of 15? Now I’m exploring movement in playful ways.
October 13, 2025 I don’t feel like a “monster elite athlete”, yet it is the visual aspiration I chanted to drive out negative thoughts during my rehab, when I was low on hope, when I was on crutches for 3 months, when I couldn’t kneel without pain 6 months post op, when I didn’t believe I would be cleared to run, when I didn’t believe I could play sports ever again, when I didn’t believe my knee would stop aching every moment and every step…
Rebuilding to be a f*** MONSTER ELITE ATHLETE, wearing Team Canada threads again, showing off the honed skills I am incubating – what a privilege. One day, I’ll wear those threads again, caress a medal in my hands and be bursting with pride for how far I’ve come. We’ve come. Keep going.
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